When I'm Old

I have a strange fear of old people. Perhaps it's because they know so much more than I do. Maybe it's the fact that they could drop dead at any moment. Or it could just be the smell. Whatever it is, I'm scared of these people.

But every once in a while I wonder what I'm going to look like when I get old. I hope I look classy like this lady....you know, live those golden years in style. One can only hope....

Why Demetri Martin is Cool

So recently a friend recommended a comedian named Demetri Martin. I will admit that I am a complete snob about comedians and usually listen to 5-10 minutes of someone before I decide that they are complete bunk and write them off forever. But then there was Demetri. I listened for 5 minutes and then wanted 5 minutes more....since them I have listen to around 20 five minute clips of this guy....yes you math genius, that's 100 minutes (aka: 1 hour and 40 minutes).

My recommendation to you is to go onto YouTube and look him up. If you are a lazy jerk and don't feel like taking the time, you can read a few of his jokes below:

"Whenever I see an autobiography for sale at the bookstore, I just look at the about the author section"

"When you are lost and have a map, people are inclined to help. But I have found that its a different story if you have a globe."

"I got some new pajamas with some pockets on them, which is great because I used to just have to hold things while I slept"

"Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy but would not want to have as a nick name"

Really, they are a lot funnier if you listen to them. I would say start off with either "These are Jokes" or "Jokes with Guitar". Go, do it. No really, right now.

The Joy of Buying New Cars

As most of you know, Jonny and I have recently welcomed home a new member of our family. It's name is Mazda 6 and one of its brother's can be observed in the picture above.

It took a while to get this car. Six days to be exact. Six nights of thinking "This is the last time we have to drive this piece of JUNK". Six nights of being told we had forgotten something or that we needed to come back tomorrow. Six nights of crying inside as we sat back down in the seats of the tin can that once was a fine motor vehicle. Then, FINALLY, on Monday we gave the Honda a hug and kiss goodbye, and slipped into the soft comfortable seats of the work of art that is our new car.

I don't think I can really explain to you the delight that fills my soul every time we drive anywhere. Perhaps if I tell you the things that we have now that we didn't have with the old car, you might begin to understand:

1. an uncracked windshield

2. speakers that work all the time, not just when the stars allign

3. windows that roll down automatically.....well, windows that roll down all together

4. heat and air conditioning

5. a working transmission

6. 2 working tail-lights

7. trunk space that can fit more than 1 bag of groceries

8. lack of rotten smell wafting from the back seat

Besides those so very important ones, there is the obvious difference that this car looks so shiny and beautiful while the other could have used a spit shine....or maybe just some spit.

It's ok if you are jealous. It is human nature to want things that are cooler and more awesome than the things you have. You might call me snooty or arrogant, but hey, this is my moment and boy am I going to savor it...mmmmmm.

Post 1.1

Oh the first post of a new blog. All the pressure is on me, the writer, to be witty and entertaining and generally impress all who decide to spend their valuable time reading your rubbish. I was once told that the key to success is not to take things too seriously so I will now proceed with my post while simultaneously imagining you all naked.....:giggle: :vomit:.....

First off, please take a moment to look at the picture above and think happy, beautiful thoughts....ok, now keep those happy images in mind as you read the following post. Believe me, you'll need them.

I learned a few things in the last 2 days that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Here, let me share one of them with you. Have your listening ears on? Good, you may continue:

When checking a child's diaper, go by the rule "if it smells like poop, it's probably poop". While watching my little angels playing on the playground yesterday afternoon, I was suddenly hit in the face with the aroma of fecal matter. I started the search for the culprit the way I always do: place nose in close proximity of childs bottom and inhale slowly. It didn't take long to find the source of the stench seeing as flowers and small forest creatures were dying as this particular child walked past. It should have been obvious that this kid was in need of a diaper change. But, always trying to be optimistic, I thought "Hey, maybe he just has gas". So, I did what anyone blinded by hope would do, I stuck my hand around the waistband of his pants and pulled them away from his body under the pretence of looking down and finding my answer. Oh I found my answer alright, but I did not need to look down. All I had to do was feel the steamy hot, pastey substance that was now covering at least 3/4 of my right hand. There was poop on my hand. Poop. On my hand. POOP. I immediately smiled a huge cheesy grin remembering a CSI episode where they said smiling represses the gag reflex....it worked, sort of. I didn't panic though. I took the child inside and proceeded to use half a box of wipes cleaning off his back, butt, legs, feet, shoes and my right hand all the while smiling and breathing through my teeth. Moral of the story: You may be optimistic, but at least I don't have a handful of diarrhea.

I hope you enjoyed your first dive into the scary world that I call the everyday. There will be more to come though I will not promise regular posts. It's not nice to promise something that you know is a lie.

Until then,