"It's Been A While"

Every time I utter that phrase a poorly written rock/pop song hums through my mind. I don't know where it's from (time, singer, etc.) but I do know that most words that come from my mouth are just the mimicking nature of a two year old bursting from the lips of an adult. Think about every phrase you use on a regular basis. "All in all", "On the other hand", "That's what she said"...these are all just phrases that we heard someone say and subconsciously decided to repeat. Really, we are verbally plagiarizing those who we look up to. If we listen to the songs that the radio currently deems popular enough to push through our speakers 3 to 4 times an hour, we must wonder what phrases we will be using in the near future. "Shawty wanna thug..." (Lil' Wayne "Lollipop"), "You love me you like her..." (Mylie Cyrus "7 Things"), "Sticks and stones and weed and bombs..." (M.I.A. "Paper Planes"). The possibilities are endless....

The Supposed Loss of Talent

I have had this creeping feeling lately that all talent and skill I've ever posessed is slowly deminishing without notice. Everytime I see someone's work, whether it be painting, drawing, or photography, I feel that I am less of an artist and more of a wannabe.

I like to blame all this on things like a faulty automatic focus on my camera or the fact that I have no time to paint, let alone the money for canvases.

But I think it's getting to the point that if I desire to retain my talent, I must exercise it and build up the creativity muscles once more.

So, you need some pictures of yourself? Want a Whitney Feldkamp original abstract painting for your guest bathroom? Let me know, because I fear that soon I will be nothing more that a 2 year old scribbling with crayons.

A Short Bit About The Studio Movie Grill

This last Tuesday I had the privilege of attending a screening of the movie "Leatherheads" starring George Clooney, Renee Zellweger and John Krasinski (pictured above for all you people living under a rock). The movie was thoroughly enjoyable and I recommend it to anyone. I must admit though that the best part of the evening was that the screening was taking place at the Studio Movie Grill in Dallas.

If you have never heard of or attended the Studio Movie Grill, you have missed out on a slice of heaven my dear friends. Upon arrival we were given a menu and one of those light up things they give you when your table is ready at Olive Garden. This might seem strange at a theater....but my friends, this place is so much more than a theater. Once inside, you get to choose which one of the hundreds of comfy leather spinning chairs you'd like to sit on. Each pair of chairs has a table in front of it or a bar at the edge of a level. You sit your bottom into this wonderful chair and are immediately greeted by a waiter or waitress who gets you drinks and takes your dinner order. The food is incredible. I dined on spinach artichoke dip, a swiss burger with french fries, and a fancy bowl full of what else, popcorn. All this and your watching a movie on a screen much larger than your wimpy television at home. They bring your check 40 minutes before the end of the movie so there is no waiting afterwards and if you want anything during the movie, there is a little button on your light up coaster that makes it turn red and someone will hurry over to meet your every need.

All in all it was a great night of comfy chairs, good food, and good movies. The downside to it all is that sometime between turning my phone off at the beginning of the movie and getting home, it mysteriously disappeared. So, if you have been trying to call me, it was a pointless endever.

Good Music Makes for Good Life

In the past few years I was starting to seriously loose hope in the musical talent showing up in the world. With "singers" like Miss Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff and even a few choice pieces by Paris Hil-:laughs uncontrollably:-ton, the music world was looking quite bleak.

But then, out of seemingly no where, a group of incredible singer/songwriters emerged that brought back that joyful feeling the wells inside of me every time I hear seriously great music.

The first of this group was someone not new but a return of an old friend in a new way. Extraordinary Machine, by my dear friend Fiona Apple, rocked my socks off. Before the album was released (a delay due to some corporate squabbling) a slightly different version of the album was leaked and I, being the super cool person I am (ok it was Jonny), got this version and had most of the songs memorized before the real album was even close to being ready. "Please, Please, Please" and the title track "Extraordinary Machine" have all the subtlety that Fiona Apple has brought me in the past mixed with a new bouncy flair that feels like a new serving of cereal in a bowl of old milk.

The next was my discovery of Feist (who I pronounced as 'feast' for a while) long after I should have discovered her. I will have to give thanks to the iPod Nano commerical for this one. "1234" brought me in, but "My Moon My Man" was what made it stick. Perhaps it is the whimsical quality in Leslie Feist's voice, or maybe it was simply the connection between her music and Apple, but whatever it was I will admit openly that I am a Feist-addict.

Sufjan Stevens. If you have not heard of this man you should go punish yourself immediately and then go listen to "Chicago". Believe me, it will change your life. With album titles like Greetings from Michigan: The Great Lakes State and songs like "For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti" there is no way that this guy can't peak your interest and make you check out every bit of his music.

I first heard Damien Rice while wasting time after closing at Chipotle one day. It took a while for me to catch on that this guy really had something happening but once I did I was completely hooked. "The Animals Were Gone", "9 Crimes", and "Cannonball" got me so excited to see this guy in concert someday. You can imagine my disappointment when I realized that he only tours in his hometown of Dublin....yes, that's right, in Ireland.

The following few artists can be all found under the name Hotel Cafe. Hotel Cafe is acutally a cafe in Hollywood that was a mecca for original indie artists. The group of artists that were regulars there decided that it would be fun to take the vibe on the road and show the world what real music was. Thus the Hotel Cafe Tour was born in 2004. The artists currently on the tour are some of the best out there: Ingrid Michaelson (Girls and Boys), Cary Brothers (Who You Are), Sara Bareilles (Small Voice), Joshua Radin (We Were Here....go listen to "Star Mile" right now), Greg Laswell (Through Toledo), and William Fitzsimmons (Until When We Are Ghosts) just to name a few. Not to mention the alumni of this tour....a nice lady known as Imogen Heap. I usually don't tell people to do this, but go to their Myspace music site (Hotel Cafe Tour) and listen to some of the clips....it will be good for your soul.

Lastly (mostly because this post is too long) is my newest favorite, Yael Naim (pictured above). This chick was raised in Israel and made it big because of our good friends at Apple (yet again). "New Soul" was the song they played on the commercial for the MacBook Air (which you can buy me anytime you want). You know the song, it's the one that made you say "who is singing this song?" or "where can I find this masterpiece of musical talent?" Her CD came out in the 18th and I am sad to say that I have yet to buy it...mostly because I didn't know it was out yet :(

I hope my insight into the world of music (one I have been told I know absolutely nothing about) was helpful in some way. I'm off now to listen to "9 Crimes" and fall asleep with a smile on my face.

The Urine Sample Story

The following story is not my own. It is, however, incredibly hysterical and thus I felt the need to share it with the world. The "owner" of this story has given me exclusive rights to publish it as long as I keep it anonymous, so I zip my lip and will never tell.

The Urine Sample
During a doctors appointment recently, a wonderful young woman named....Sue....was asked that oh so familiar favor: Can you give a urine sample? Sue was filled with glee because she had purposefully sustained from using the bathroom before the appointment just so she could give the best sample she could muster if the need arised.

So off to the bathroom skipped Sue where she filled that cup to the brim with the most fantastic urine sample ever to be expelled in the history of man kind. Satisfied with her sample she prepared to pass it through the door. Now if you have never experienced this process (which if you haven't, you might want to look into a check up every now and again) let me explain what the door is. Usually in the bathroom of spiffy doctors offices there is a little door in the wall next to the toliet. If you open this door there is a small space, like a cubby, to put your urine sample in. On the other side of this cubby is another door that leads to the lab area. This is so the urine sample goes straight from you, through the wall, and into the lab, reducing contamination and the embarassement of walking around the halls with your own urine in your hand.

So Sue, being a thoughtful and hygenic woman, decided that she would fold up a paper towel and place it below the urine cup to prevent any germ spreading. She gets her towel with her left hand and holds the urine in her right (pay attention now, this stuff is important). She uses her right hand to open the door and proceeds to place the paper towel in the cubby. During the short period of time between the opening of the door and the placing of the towel, Sue realizes that the door is infact spring-loaded. She realizes this fact because the door is quickly rushing towards her right hand....the hand with the pee. Though Sue is known for her catlike reflexes she is just not catlike enough. The door collides with her right hand which looses the grip on the urine cup. The cup smashes into the cubby and bursts open, spilling her fantastic urine sample.

A rush of thoughts race through Sue's mind. She isn't sure if her urine is now seaping through the cracks of the door and down the wall of the lab or just puddling in the cubby. She is still not sure what just happened. But most importantly, how will she create more pee? She quickly cleans up the urine soaked cubby and walls and starts to attempt the impossible. In the end she was able to come up with a semi-sufficent amount and walk out of the bathroom as if nothing happened having now spent 10-15 minutes in the bathroom.

Now you must know that I was told this story over dinner at Pei-Wei with people evesdropping all around us. Perhaps it was funnier then but I still believe that if you didn't at least muster a giggle during that sad tale that you need to go get a new sense of humor, because yours has obviously expired.

When I'm Old

I have a strange fear of old people. Perhaps it's because they know so much more than I do. Maybe it's the fact that they could drop dead at any moment. Or it could just be the smell. Whatever it is, I'm scared of these people.

But every once in a while I wonder what I'm going to look like when I get old. I hope I look classy like this lady....you know, live those golden years in style. One can only hope....

Why Demetri Martin is Cool

So recently a friend recommended a comedian named Demetri Martin. I will admit that I am a complete snob about comedians and usually listen to 5-10 minutes of someone before I decide that they are complete bunk and write them off forever. But then there was Demetri. I listened for 5 minutes and then wanted 5 minutes more....since them I have listen to around 20 five minute clips of this guy....yes you math genius, that's 100 minutes (aka: 1 hour and 40 minutes).

My recommendation to you is to go onto YouTube and look him up. If you are a lazy jerk and don't feel like taking the time, you can read a few of his jokes below:

"Whenever I see an autobiography for sale at the bookstore, I just look at the about the author section"

"When you are lost and have a map, people are inclined to help. But I have found that its a different story if you have a globe."

"I got some new pajamas with some pockets on them, which is great because I used to just have to hold things while I slept"

"Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy but would not want to have as a nick name"

Really, they are a lot funnier if you listen to them. I would say start off with either "These are Jokes" or "Jokes with Guitar". Go, do it. No really, right now.

The Joy of Buying New Cars

As most of you know, Jonny and I have recently welcomed home a new member of our family. It's name is Mazda 6 and one of its brother's can be observed in the picture above.

It took a while to get this car. Six days to be exact. Six nights of thinking "This is the last time we have to drive this piece of JUNK". Six nights of being told we had forgotten something or that we needed to come back tomorrow. Six nights of crying inside as we sat back down in the seats of the tin can that once was a fine motor vehicle. Then, FINALLY, on Monday we gave the Honda a hug and kiss goodbye, and slipped into the soft comfortable seats of the work of art that is our new car.

I don't think I can really explain to you the delight that fills my soul every time we drive anywhere. Perhaps if I tell you the things that we have now that we didn't have with the old car, you might begin to understand:

1. an uncracked windshield

2. speakers that work all the time, not just when the stars allign

3. windows that roll down automatically.....well, windows that roll down all together

4. heat and air conditioning

5. a working transmission

6. 2 working tail-lights

7. trunk space that can fit more than 1 bag of groceries

8. lack of rotten smell wafting from the back seat

Besides those so very important ones, there is the obvious difference that this car looks so shiny and beautiful while the other could have used a spit shine....or maybe just some spit.

It's ok if you are jealous. It is human nature to want things that are cooler and more awesome than the things you have. You might call me snooty or arrogant, but hey, this is my moment and boy am I going to savor it...mmmmmm.

Post 1.1

Oh the first post of a new blog. All the pressure is on me, the writer, to be witty and entertaining and generally impress all who decide to spend their valuable time reading your rubbish. I was once told that the key to success is not to take things too seriously so I will now proceed with my post while simultaneously imagining you all naked.....:giggle: :vomit:.....

First off, please take a moment to look at the picture above and think happy, beautiful thoughts....ok, now keep those happy images in mind as you read the following post. Believe me, you'll need them.

I learned a few things in the last 2 days that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Here, let me share one of them with you. Have your listening ears on? Good, you may continue:

When checking a child's diaper, go by the rule "if it smells like poop, it's probably poop". While watching my little angels playing on the playground yesterday afternoon, I was suddenly hit in the face with the aroma of fecal matter. I started the search for the culprit the way I always do: place nose in close proximity of childs bottom and inhale slowly. It didn't take long to find the source of the stench seeing as flowers and small forest creatures were dying as this particular child walked past. It should have been obvious that this kid was in need of a diaper change. But, always trying to be optimistic, I thought "Hey, maybe he just has gas". So, I did what anyone blinded by hope would do, I stuck my hand around the waistband of his pants and pulled them away from his body under the pretence of looking down and finding my answer. Oh I found my answer alright, but I did not need to look down. All I had to do was feel the steamy hot, pastey substance that was now covering at least 3/4 of my right hand. There was poop on my hand. Poop. On my hand. POOP. I immediately smiled a huge cheesy grin remembering a CSI episode where they said smiling represses the gag reflex....it worked, sort of. I didn't panic though. I took the child inside and proceeded to use half a box of wipes cleaning off his back, butt, legs, feet, shoes and my right hand all the while smiling and breathing through my teeth. Moral of the story: You may be optimistic, but at least I don't have a handful of diarrhea.

I hope you enjoyed your first dive into the scary world that I call the everyday. There will be more to come though I will not promise regular posts. It's not nice to promise something that you know is a lie.

Until then,